Planet of the Apes
Okay, I have tried to write a review for Planet of the Apes THREE times now, but my computer keeps shutting down and losing it. Is it trying to tell me something? I am not sure. But in the interest of FINALLY getting this review done, I will be as brief as I can.
I hated it. I hated every last agonizing second of this film with every fiber of my being. It’s more awkward than my first sexual experience, dumber than a room full of beauty pageant contestants and stuffed with more bad lines than Nikki Sixx. It’s the work of a hack, not someone of Tim Burton’s talents.
The plot involves the crashing landing and eventual escape of Mark Wahlberg’s astronaut character from the planet of the apes. If my ears were not full of wax, I think someone called him Captain. Of what? The Love Boat? Unforgettable snippets of dialogue include “Never send an ape to do a man’s job.” (ooo, kinky...), “Damn the Humans!” and the old standard “Human Lover!” Performances can be measured on a scale of wooden to hammy and back again. Apes manages to set some kind of record by wasting the performances of not one, not two, but THREE Oscar nominees — Tim Roth as the evil leader of the ape military, Michael Clarke Duncan as his right hand chimp, and Helena Bonham Carter as the only simian on the planet remotely kind to humans. The film gives Wahlberg a blonde love interest, model Estella Warren, whose only function seems to be to emulate Rachel Welch from One Million Years B.C.
I can say that while the apes look like either Prince or Michael Jackson circa 1990, the makeup was incredible and looks like it took a lot of time and preparation to get right. The same cannot be said about this movie. I was frustrated and disappointed that the unique genius, which made the films Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Beetlejuice, and The Nightmare Before Christmas as refreshing and enjoyable as they were, escaped Burton this time out. Maybe Wahlberg took it with him on his way back to Earth.