Turning on the local news shows (if you still watch television) is often an exercise in frustration. With the increase in crime and school drop-out rates, it would seem like we’re losing the multi-billion dollar effort known as the “War on Drugs.” Far be it for me to just say no to such an awesome undertaking by our government, having our best interest at heart to be sure, but I’m pretty sure that the whole thing is a waste of time and money. America’s drug policy should learn from Madison Avenue. What we need is a better ad campaign.
Listen: To our nation’s youth, the word “drug” is just so confusing. We start off teaching kids that drugs are bad. They cause loss of control, loss of life, and even, heavens forbid, loss of desirability. But when we become ill, drugs help. Drugs are good. It’s all very confusing to have to determine, when in adolescence, just what drug is good and which drug is evil, especially when the evil drugs tend to make the user feel just so darn good. It becomes even more confusing when the whims of a fickle society change so quickly. Why only thirty years ago, not only did it seem inevitable that pot would become legal, but cigarettes were considered fashionable. What is a child to think when his father, just before taking his evening dose of Valium, scolds the boy for sneaking a toke while his mother takes another swig of her gin and tonic?
Of course, the answer is easier than the government wants you to think. After all, many people make money by keeping the legal stuff legal and the illegal, well, illegal. Not only would many third-world dictatorships fall in our sister countries to the south, leaving them open for the still-alive-but-badly-bruised communist hordes, should certain drugs become legal, but think of all the wardens and guards in the empty jails all across the country. Who would they have left to incarcerate? There just aren’t that many murderers and rapists in this country to support the penal system. On the other side, every time the FDA delays the appropriation of a new drug for over-the-counter consumption, hard-working scientists go home sullen and angry. So what if the drug causes unnatural hair-growth in lab animals? The American public needs a new antacid that can double as a miracle cure for male-pattern underarm baldness. Business is business, and the government makes money off of the confusion of the drug wars.
Still, I believe that the American people deserve choice. I propose a new campaign for drugs. First off, change the name. Let’s call the evil drugs, like cocaine, heroin, and nicotine, “drags.” No one likes a drag, and kids will be immediately be turned off by the totally square designation. The good drugs, such as aspirin, Ritalin, and nicotine, we’ll call “digs,” allowing even the most unhip geek in the high school a chance to do something cool every time he uses his inhaler. There might still be a problem with recreational drugs; American society just can’t decide what its opinion is on things like alcohol. But alcohol has its own advertising campaign, so I’ll let the professionals work that.
Once the names change, and children learn that a drag-addict is bad, but a dig-popper is wise and healthy, I think the rest will fall into place. We can certainly trust the medical profession and the government to sort out what’s a drag and what’s a dig. Until that time, I’ll be fine with my Prozac, trying not to drool on my keyboard.
1997 © Jonathan Russell. Originally published in SUB/con
For more information on the ineffectiveness of the War on Drugs, follow these links:
AlterNet: The Real Cost of the Drug War on Our Children
The Shadow Conventions
The November Coalition
